Bitter Sweet Day

Another Mother's day down. This day is always so bitter sweet for me. I tried to put on my happy face for my kids sake. Inside though, my heart is always a little broken. This year was especially strange to me.

My mother passed away 12 years and 1 week ago. It was one week before Mother's day. We buried her on the Wednesday before that Mother's day. For some reason this May 3rd left me missing her more than ever. I have found myself wanting to talk to her about raising my kids, how was I as a child, what to do with this or that problem. How do I handle a fight with my husband? All these things I want to ask her and no one else.

Maybe it's because she found her cancer at 32 years old and I'm coming up to that birthday. Maybe it's because a lot of my friends are older than she was when she died. Maybe it's because she has been gone longer than my baby sister knew her, meaning I've raised her longer than her own mother did. Most likely it's all of this.

So, if I seem a little off lately it's because I have a heavy heart. I long for the day when I cross the veil and go into my mother's loving arms. I know that she is there waiting for me and watches over me even as I speak. I was asked once if knowing the fullness of the gospel helps me deal with her being gone, the answer is yes and no. It helps knowing she's there waiting, beautiful, without pain. But it doesn't help the longing I have for her counsel, her touch, her voice today.